My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
