she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
