Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize