Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Be still, my beating vagina.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
