mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
