Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
