Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
