I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
