evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
