Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
