her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
