If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
