youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
