I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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