so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
