The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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