Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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