If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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