I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
