Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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