I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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