Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
