Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
