It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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