if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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