Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
