Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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