i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
