I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
do nipples grow back?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize