I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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