I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
