Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
