I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Is Oprah even human
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
