I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
