Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
You work out of a Hotel?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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