She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
