booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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