I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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