you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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