Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize