Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
