You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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