It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
