Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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