just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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