I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
