I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
