That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
