captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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