just tell him i said nine months
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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