this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
