I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize