I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
