The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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