Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize