Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
