so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
When are your genitals available?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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