It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize