He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
